July 2008


I saw ‘The Dark Knight’ this evening, and I have to say it was amazing. I love the Batman movies, they’re so full of power and thrall. The late Heath Ledger, bless his beautiful-man soul, was positively spine-tingling as the Joker. He was convincing, dashing and eerie all at once. This’ll be a DVD I buy.

Whilst I was looking for a ‘The Dark Knight’ wallpaper for my desktop on Google, I found this photo.

It made my heart go out to his poor daughter, who will never remember her fantastic father…

Destiny is cruel. It makes me proclaim that life isn’t fair, that those who do so much good and so little wrong in the world are killed off like ants. When we step on ants without even realising they’re there, they do not see a huge foot coming towards them, they see nothing because we are too big for them to even perceive. That’s how I feel that we are – blind to the people-squashing foot of God. Maybe God really is a child with a magnifying glass, as ‘they’ say.

I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to grow old. Humanity is the most cruel form of existence. We are aware of our ultimate demise and can do nothing to prevent it. Let’s all become ignorant, I say. Let’s all have been ignorant from the first moment of time. Let’s hope the history of the world becomes rewritten over our past. We would never know the difference.

If you like Japanese-style animation or art, if you don’t mind blood and gore, and if you want an engaging storyline from your Anime, look no further than the intriguing Elfen Lied.

I’ve just finished watching this from the second time, and I really did enjoy it. Try torrenting it, as the DVDs are somewhat tricky to get hold of.

Not an Anime to be missed – a poignant addition to any collection.

I often think to myself that I need lots of time to think about things and engage my brain and all sorts of twaddle. So then, when I come to thinking, “Have I been pondering on my life recently? Have I been analysing it?”, it’s usually a ‘no’. I always seem too busy to think.

I let life rush me by, worrying about insignificant things and turning down invitations just because I think I shouldn’t go out. Or don’t feel like going out. I organise tiny details of my days, and remain completely oblivious to the larger picture around me. I often used to go to church but now I don’t find that it’s completely relevant to my life. Fair enough, if I was the type of person who thought about their existence and what they’re doing in this world, then maybe church would be a great place to engage in all sorts of calm thinking and reflection.

To be quite honest, I’m completely lost. I’m lost in my own head, in my own life, I’m floating along through and I’ve only just noticed. I had a rather bizzare dream recently, and when I looked it up on a trusty dream interpretation website, it told me I was seeking attention but feeling the need to hide behind a facade at the same time, being untrue and artificial to myself and those around me. I almost feel like ‘me’ has gone away for a while, and has left me an empty shell of a person who has no willpower to do much at all, and who doesn’t really exist anymore but in person.

I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, and it’s frightening. I feel like I’m hurtling down a dark tunnel and lying on the floor in the quiet, all at once. I’m confused and don’t know what to do with myself. I keep finding myself not really trusting the words that come out of my mouth, second-guessing myself and sounding alien. Where have I gone?

Will this feeling go away once I go to University, or once I receive my exam results? The feeling that I’m floundering in a small barrel. Maybe that’s my facade, looking normal and fine, and worrying myself to death inside. I often feel weak and easily beaten by simple things in life.

I exclaimed to a friend today, “I have a goal! A goal to fill my nothingness!”. I was referring to the fact that I’ve become part of a Book Club. I now have something to aim for, a reason to do the thing I love the most in the world – read and pick apart books. Whereas before, I had nothing to occupy myself with this summer, I now have books to read within a set time and discussion notes to devise.

Perhaps that was exactly what I needed to fill my void, to half-fill me emotionally until I know my educational destiny.

I don’t know. I never really know.