I often think to myself that I need lots of time to think about things and engage my brain and all sorts of twaddle. So then, when I come to thinking, “Have I been pondering on my life recently? Have I been analysing it?”, it’s usually a ‘no’. I always seem too busy to think.

I let life rush me by, worrying about insignificant things and turning down invitations just because I think I shouldn’t go out. Or don’t feel like going out. I organise tiny details of my days, and remain completely oblivious to the larger picture around me. I often used to go to church but now I don’t find that it’s completely relevant to my life. Fair enough, if I was the type of person who thought about their existence and what they’re doing in this world, then maybe church would be a great place to engage in all sorts of calm thinking and reflection.

To be quite honest, I’m completely lost. I’m lost in my own head, in my own life, I’m floating along through and I’ve only just noticed. I had a rather bizzare dream recently, and when I looked it up on a trusty dream interpretation website, it told me I was seeking attention but feeling the need to hide behind a facade at the same time, being untrue and artificial to myself and those around me. I almost feel like ‘me’ has gone away for a while, and has left me an empty shell of a person who has no willpower to do much at all, and who doesn’t really exist anymore but in person.

I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, and it’s frightening. I feel like I’m hurtling down a dark tunnel and lying on the floor in the quiet, all at once. I’m confused and don’t know what to do with myself. I keep finding myself not really trusting the words that come out of my mouth, second-guessing myself and sounding alien. Where have I gone?

Will this feeling go away once I go to University, or once I receive my exam results? The feeling that I’m floundering in a small barrel. Maybe that’s my facade, looking normal and fine, and worrying myself to death inside. I often feel weak and easily beaten by simple things in life.

I exclaimed to a friend today, “I have a goal! A goal to fill my nothingness!”. I was referring to the fact that I’ve become part of a Book Club. I now have something to aim for, a reason to do the thing I love the most in the world – read and pick apart books. Whereas before, I had nothing to occupy myself with this summer, I now have books to read within a set time and discussion notes to devise.

Perhaps that was exactly what I needed to fill my void, to half-fill me emotionally until I know my educational destiny.

I don’t know. I never really know.

Advertisements